Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A Student's Guide to a Party



Well you’ve graduated high school, and in the Fall you will be entering college. Are you prepared?  Partying at a college level is all about balance. Parties are the balance of funds, the balance of fun, and the balance of friends, or the FFF as we like to call it. Partying at a college level is not like partying in your parent’s basement.  It is a means for students to escape the everyday drag of essays, classes, school board committees, and jobs.   Thursday comes and students feel they have the right to let down their hair and run throughout campus. 

The School officials seem to agree. The enforcement is relaxed to the point where they are not trying to catch drunks, but making sure that the drunks are in safe conditions.  

How do you start off your night?


Your phone is your lifeline to the party scene.  All important messages will be passed through a godsend known as text.   Directions are given, plans are made, and alcohol is purchased all through this device in a matter of minutes. 

After plans have been set, you must make yourself as presentable as possible for the partying that night. Once you have obtained the sufficient amount of alcohol for the night you must carefully pack it.  This is a trial and error process, for you must find the best way to transport your cans. You must make sure the cans do not rattle; they must not be shaken, and they must be packed to retain their frigid temperatures for as long as possible.  

 Always remember to have friends with you, and to have a fallout plan in case of party shutdown.  Party Shutdown can occur for a few reasons.  One reason could be that the party has been busted by the cops.  If this is the occasion than you may get lucky waiting a little while in the area to see if the party has opened back up.  Another reason is that something has happened inside the house causing the mood of the party to be demolished. The most common occasion of this is fighting.  Unlike High School, fighting is not considered cool.  You will not gain “respect” or “be the best”.  Most people who fight at parties are tossed from the house and asked to never return to the residence.   The main reason for party shutdown is the “chick to dick ratio”.  While offensive, it explains that both men and women must equally balance the party scene.  If there are more men are at a party then women the party will be ended on accounts of “sausage fest.”

   A good way for a man to easily enter a party is to bring lady companions.  Party throwers are always going to let you bypass your way into the door.  Ladies a good way for you to not only enter the party, but to drink for free is to dress provocatively. You may find this trashy, but this tactic is known as the “window-shop” tactic.  Simply put it means that just because the men can window-shop, it doesn’t mean they can enter the store.

   Once in the party you must realize who the important players are. You must find who’s house it is, and to introduce yourself.  You must make yourself available to everyone in the party. Find the people with the “stock.” These are the people with the alcohol and other intoxication methods.  Make sure they aren’t sketchy.  If they aren’t, and you become friendly with them, you have found an in to future parties.  Never be too friendly to these people, because you can creep them out and make them feel like you are using them.

   Guys this next subject is defiantly going to perk you up. Ladies I hope you don’t mind, but its true; ladies can be sloppy.  These are the girls that feel it necessary to wear white to outings.  They are fully aware of the liquid factor invading her white t-shirt forming it into a see-through window. Though theses girls are fun to watch and to get your pimp on, but you must first think before you do.  Don’t be like Nike and “just do it.” These girls contain possible diseases, and have been with many men and maybe even a few women.  You wouldn’t get naked and sit on a Boston public transport system would you?  A girl like this is okay in moderation, but when dating try to find a respectable girl that doesn’t have the nickname “7-11” because they are always open for business.

    Ladies this warning is more serious.  Always get your drinks from a trustworthy person.  Don’t accept drinks from strangers that are open.  They could potentially have put something in your drink to make you unconscious. I know you may think it doesn’t happen, but it does.  We are party experts and we worry about this matter.  So be safe out there, because safety has no holidays.  Also make sure that the man you are leading home is going to be as good looking in the morning.  Nothing is more embarrassing than rolling over and seeing someone regrettable.  Always have a rating system with your friends that are fast and coded, so that the man isn’t aware that he has a chance to get lucky.

   All people must watch out for the sketchy guy.  This is the guy that is quietly scanning his eyes around the room from the corner.  He is the guy that will wait for girls to become intoxicated and strike at the first sign of blackout.  This man must fail at his attempts towards getting girls.  This is the only time man law accepts the dreaded “cock-block.” Both the girls friends and the gentlemen at the party must keep this guy away from the girl at all costs.  One great method is to have a guy friend designated as your pretend boyfriend.  His job is to come over at any point you feel uncomfortable and will cut in and make you a committed girl.

Parties are fun, but only under the right conditions.  Make sure to always have an exit strategy.  Most accidents are caused when the person is walking home.  So always obey traffic laws, and make sure to stay on the sidewalk.  Never be too loud, especially if you see police.  Another word to the wise is that it is never a smart idea to yell “fuck the police” as they roll by.  This is not a badass move, and you will become a marked man within the local police system.  Cops understand our need to have fun, but if you are rowdy they will search you.  If you have anything on you it is usually a smart idea to admit it immediately.  I would not suggest this for hometown police, but campus police are more lax on the subject.  They will simply confiscate your items and dismiss you on your way.

   Our final piece of advice is always keeping track of your money. Partying can become a costly demon.  What feels like five dollars there and ten dollars here can quickly add up to hundreds of dollars.  If you are broke you will not be able to afford dollar slices at Plymouth House of Pizza.  This in itself is disrespect to PSU traditions.  Always check your funds often and keep a tab on where your money goes.

Now that we’ve given the basics of college partying, you must gain experience in the field and to pass along the information given to you.  Stop reading this and go get yourself a cold thirty rack and enjoy the night.

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